Teenage thoughts

Remember that old dinosaur Myspace? After asking Myspace to retrieve my blogs, I was finally able to receive it 3 months after I had requested it. Oh well, better late than never. Here are some of my teenage posts:

Toya, youve changed

7/28/2007 1:21:00 PM
7/28/2007 1:15:00 PM

lately i’ve been getting alot of “Toya you’ve changed”. most of you are saying this in a judgmental way, but most of you only see the physical changes like my hair, clothing and make up.. it’s how i choose to look, i don’t see my friends picking on your style. i’m also getting judged for my myspace “status” and the about me sections on my profile.. it’s not like i have whore codes plastered all over my profile so people add me, it’s there choice and is there really anything wrong with having alot of myspace friends? it’s not hurting anyone. i could judge your stretched out pages with too many glittering animations to poke a stick at but i don’t. stop telling me to become “normal” again.. what is “normal” anyway? i’m growing up and discovering individuality and originality as i’m sure most of you are doing in your own way, so respect that and move on.

i haven’t forgotten or ditched any of my old friends, i still spend a alot of time with my “normal” friends and the ones that have stuck by me are the ones that are obviously worth my time and i have incredible respect for these people. it takes a very strong person to stick up for another in a large group of people and i hold them most admirably.

the split from a group of “friends” a few months ago, while being very hard and at times traumatic, has been the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. because of this split i’ve learned how to hold an intelligent adult conversation without bitching about someone, i’ve learned that i can make my own decisions successfully, i’ve learned that acting “dumb” isn’t cute and won’t get you anywhere, i’ve learned that i can choose to like whoever i want without getting others approval, i’ve learned that as you become happier with yourself you surround yourself with better people and you actually become healthier.. so i just want to thank the girls, that pushed me almost to breaking point a few years ago, for showing me that i can be a proud individual and that i can change my life in a positive way. it just seems sad that those girls will never feel the freedom and satisfaction of being happy and i just want know how you sleep while you’re tearing up someones life by your cruelty that’s super “cool”.

so in answer to the “Toya you’ve changed” yeah, i have changed i’ve grown up and matured. i’m still the same old Latoya that you’ve grown up with just with different style and happier :] so next time i’m hanging with you at a party or making you coffee at my place or copying your health homework don’t be saying shit behind my back because in a town like this you know i’ll find out. so that’s it from me.

fin.


 

My Subconscience Theory – in a very small nutshell…..

2/9/2009 9:15:00 AM

2/9/2009 9:44:00 PM

 

I believe that our subconscience knows our past, present, and future – kind of like a time line….

Think about it;

It’s your freshman year of high school and you’re walking down the hallways to your first class of the day, when suddenly you walk by someone and they just stick out in your head. You don’t know why at all, but you take a mental note of them. Skip forward to your junior year of high school, where you go to your first class on the first day and end up sitting right next to that very person. Now skip to the end of junior year where you both end up becoming best friends. Your subconscience KNEW for a FACT that you will end up meeting this person, and becoming best friends with this person – therefore taking a note of this person when you saw them in the hallways that freshman year. Now you are dropping your friend off that last day of school. All year you picked that friend up, and have taken the exact same route every time you have done it. So you’re driving alone, but suddenly, with no explanation or reason you take a wrong turn (one street before the street you were supposed to turn on). You did this subconsciencely, and after you turn you ask yourself why you were so stupid to make that turn when you know the way to your best friends house. Well, you drive down that street and pull up to a light, where a man is crossing the street. You feel in a good mood, so you end up flipping that man a peace sign… and he does it back (making you feel good). So you get to your friends house and you two depart. Did it ever occure to you that you made that turn subconsciencely, because you knew – subconsciencely, that you would flip that guy a peace sign, and he would do it back. Did it ever occure to you that if you ever went the normal way (without making that turn, subconsciencely), that you would have gotten into a car accident on the way home because it took you less time to drop your friend off because you didn’t go the long way because you didn’t make that turn. When I first came up with this theory – I was high. I told my friends, and they… thought I was crazy… just as you do right now. However, about two weeks after I came up with this theory, I was looking online for explanation for deja vu… and what did I come across? One of the new theories for deja vu, is that our subconsciene knows the past, present, and future – and when you have that feeling of deja vu, it is just the subconscience recolection of the outcome of a desision (or a combination of desisions) you made in the past. So could it be that when I was making my subconscience theory, I was actually just pulling out information from the article I was to read two weeks later… because subconsciously I knew I would read it? Yes… that is EXACTLY what happened. This theory is all around us, and if you pay attention you will find it in your everyday life. My best advice… listen to your subconscience about EVERYTHING. Only then will you live a truly happy life.


Weed

2/10/2009 9:16:00 AM

2/3/2009 9:47:00 PM

So in this wonderful country we call the United States. Land of the free, home of the brave… and home to 340,000-395,000 deaths per year from smoking cigarettes.

It is also home of the illegalization of marijuana. An herb that has not once EVER killed a single person. Autopsies show that 75 people who die in a year are found to have marijuana in their system, but it is however NOT the cause of their death.

I don’t understand how we, the people of this country can let our government decide what is right and what is wrong. Allowing people to smoke something that kills 400,000 people per year, yet illegalizing something that has not had one death related incident.

It is true, weed does lower motivation (I know this first hand). It has effects on memory, but all is healed with time. It is not addictive like other substances, and it’s effects are feelings of mild euphoria, hunger, and a dry mouth… DANGEROUS!

So tell me, Government (who cares oh so much about who lives and dies), just how does it feel to look like complete idiots – making something that has never killed one single person illegal, and leaving fags for everyone to smoke freely only to amount to hundreds of thousands of deaths in a single year. Smart move, really, it’s truly brilliant!

Moral of this story… two things.
1. LEGALIZE IT!
2. Just because authority sets a standard for what is wrong and right, doesn’t always mean that standard is correct.

(However, I am starting to feel like weed is just another Wal-Mart stop sign… you’re supposed to stop, but no one ever does [or at least not anyone who is anyone does]).


Love

3/7/2009 3:39:00 PM
3/7/2009 3:33:00 PM
So the other day in Psychology class we talked about what love is. But even before today I have asked myself that very question: what is love? Are we destined to be together with someone, or perhaps with many different someones? And should true love really lead to marriage?

Recently, I have come to realize that I look at things in a much different way than others. Personally, I really don’t believe in marriage.

(This could be because most of my relationships so far, have been sucking.)

But here me out –

Love is a fact, it isn’t something that has been created by society, it is something that is within us (a feeling). Ultimatly, love is something we are born with, not something we learn how to feel or do as we grow up in society. Marriage however is not a “fact”. Marriage (the act of commitng ones self to another until) was not here on earth to begin with. It is something that has been created by society that people learn to accept as they grow older. But ask yourself this question: are we really MEANT to be with one person for the rest of our lives? When society makes something “right”, it becomes a norm. And when marriage became the norm, it gave humans the idea that they are only meant to be with one person for the rest of their lives, ruling out all other possiblites.

This is how I see it… Growing up, we encounter countless numbers of people. Whether those people becomes friends, lovers, aquaintances, or just someone you pass in the store, we still cross their path. (Think of how many people you have dated/talked to for a week and then stopped/messaged on myspace/had sex with/became best friends with/became enemies with). Imagine everyone in the world having a certain path (this path is not exactly their fate/destiny, but more like a road that is invisible.) And when we cross paths with someone else, they become a part of our lives. That is, of course, until the paths go their separate ways.

[EXAMPLE – You are behind a blue car, stopped at a light in a turning lane. Your car and their car both have the left turn signal on. As you listen to the sound of your blinker, you watch the tail light of the blue cars blinker and notice that they are “beating” at the exact same speed (as if on the same path). It contiunes at the same speed for just a few seconds, and then somehow the “beats” get off track and the two turning signals are no longer in sync (that is until they get in sync again).]

As we live our lives, we continue along our path going at our normal speed. And just as the blinkers, our paths and speeds tend to sync with other peoples paths and speeds. And just as the blinkers, we somehow get off track… and that person continues along, and you do as well.

Where I am getting at with this, is that perhaps we aren’t supposed to be on the same “path”/”speed” as someone else for our whole lives. Maybe we are truly meant to go through life crossing path after path after path with others. Granted, some people do stay together until death and are happy, but that is only a handful, and they don’t need documents and taxes and name changes and “what’s mine is yours” to convey their love (because if they really loved each other, they wouldn’t need all that the as glue that keeps them together).

So I’ll end with this – does love (a fact) go hand in hand with marriage (an invention of society)? Just because you are on the same path and speed as someone esle, does not mean you will be in sync with them for the rest of your life (which could be well over 50 years). Just some food for thought.


[My list]

6/23/2007 4:25:00 PM
6/23/2007 4:23:00 PM

     Lately, I’ve found it increasingly difficult to find people’s MySpace profiles. Constantly, I have to go through numerous profiles just to find one person to see/comment their pictures, blogs, etc. – but this is the last fucking straw. I’m tired of the ever-widening gap that is being created between my friends and I because of my acclaimed “MySpace whoredom”. So, I’ve decided to make a blog dedicated to resolve this very issue.

     Below you will see an alphabetical list of first names [with a last initial], and a corresponding link to the individual’s profile. I have created this list to help me find people I tend to need to find often/every-so-often. So, if you’re not on the list, don’t flip a bitch… It’s only MySpace. And, if you are by chance on this list… Congratulations, I consider you to be one of my real “friends”.

     Please note that I do need to have met you at least once for you to be on this list. So, to everyone who I talk to but I’ve never met… Don’t take it personally. Accordingly, a few people on this list I don’t talk to often, but I still consider to be my friend.

Toyas Neat-o List of Friends:
A~
– Alina P.
– Amy Y

H~
– Hannah R

J~
– Justin C

K~

Kory:)<3


[Realization]

6/23/2007 4:40:00 PM
6/23/2007 4:27:00 PM

I think this will be the first sincere blog that I’ve ever written. Pathetic.

Just a warning, but this is a moderately pessimistic blog. I don’t know if it’s because of my current state of mind, or because of my true feelings about a few things… But either way, it just is.

I went and sat on my roof an hour and a half ago, and I did a lot of thinking. I’m starting to realize a lot of things; about myself mainly, but there are other things, too.

Maturity. I need to start acting mature. I hate hypocrits, yet I’m constantly one myself. I tell myself that I need to be mature if I want to be like an adult – and I try to be – but I constantly contradict myself. I often think of myself as being Imature for my age, amd then I think about how I act around my friends and how cocky and immature I can get, it dissapoints me. I need to get my act together. I need to space myself from the things that are creating my immaturity. What am I even trying to accomplish?

Insecurity. As much as I don’t want to believe it, I’m really insecure. What really is the underlying factor of why I wear cloths that I do? Why do I alter my personality, looks, attitude, just to give others a different impression of me? This ties into maturity, too. I need to stop trying to follow the crowd and be honest with myself. I’m tired of being someone who I’m not, just so I can seem like some bigshot MySpace whore with 5,000+ friends. It’s honestly just a facade. It makes no sense to try and hide something that is blatently obvious. I need to buck-up, and start taking control… Honestly Latoya, what the hell are you trying to hide?

Love. I’m growing really tired of waiting. I’m too impatient. Uncaring. It’s so dissappointing not knowing when that one person who you feel so closely connected to will come along. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack. It makes me wonder if that person will even come along in the first place. I wish I had someone that I would find at the park thinking at dusk, just like I do. I wish I had someone that was an intellectual and cared about the future. I wish I had someone who knew boundries. I wish I had someone who loved me for who I am, and not for what I look like. I want someone who can see through the facade of insecurity.

Future. Things need to change for me. I’m on a crash-course to no where worthwhile. I can already tell that I’m not taking school as seriously as I should. That also needs to change. All through middle school, I cared so much about my grades and future… And now look at me. Fucking pathetic.

Also, since only a few of my friends will actually take any mind to this blog, I’ve decided to disable comments/kudos. I highly doubt any people even read this blog in it’s entirety, anyways.

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